I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
