Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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