if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
only you would photoshop your dick
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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