My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
