I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
