You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
