we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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