Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
