dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
