My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
