Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sorry my hands just texted you
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Two words: blizzard sex
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
