I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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