its not stalking. its research.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
