I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
