My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
