I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
