I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
