So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I cut my penus on the lid.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
