Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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