we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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