im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
