I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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