I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
