I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
