It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
