I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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