My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
