I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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