um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
