Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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