I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
