Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
