She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize