According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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