Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
