we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
