I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
