Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
