you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
There are leaves in my underwear?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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