im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
