She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
