Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
