It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
