the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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