Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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