After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
