u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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