I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
