chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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