Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
