I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
