The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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